Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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