Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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