the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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