She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
