just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
