You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
