a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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