when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
