Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
