The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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