Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
