All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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