I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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