Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
