there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
