i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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