I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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