Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
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