Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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