just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
