Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
