you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
