No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
