It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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