pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
