You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
