did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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