We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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