btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
