U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
