Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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