Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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