i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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