I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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