508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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