Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
