I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
