Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
