Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
