Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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