frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
