He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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