I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
