Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
