Just took my morning after pill in the library
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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