You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
