I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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