just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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