The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
