put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
