I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
