Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
