Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
