Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The Olympian is in my bed
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
